Heading home...

Apologies for totally slacking on writing posts. There is a complete correlation between my happiness and the volume of writing that I produce. It is amazing how little I need to write when things in my life are good and happy. It almost feels like a chore. And at the same time, I'm not sure that anything I write is relevant anymore. I feel no desire nor need to share my experiences anymore. It's so strange...

I started this blog with the intention of documenting my year off and my year of random travels, and how that would (hopefully) change me. But then I settled in one place (I still did manage to travel some), and then my life completely changed so rapidly. And now I'm no longer a tourist in Cairo, and I'm not sure what my timeline is going to look like in terms of where I'll be living and when...

But for now, I'm going back home for a 6 week break. I'll be stopping in Paris and Lyon for 2 weeks to visit friends and family first. Then I have a day layover in London where I'll meet up with another friend before heading home.

I'm so looking forward to this break, although it is coming at a pretty inconvenient time for me. With having just started my job and getting engaged, it's not exactly ideal to be disappearing for so long.

But I'm not going to complain. I just see it like I am extremely lucky to have the luxury of taking time off every few months. See ya in NYC!

new york, i love you, but you're bringing me down.

one great part of my indefinite-amount-of-time-off-traveling-the-world agenda, is the break that i have at home this month. i came home to attend a college friend's wedding in rhode island. that in itself was both a reunion and a destination, as we made a weekend out of discovering newport while we reconnected and caught ourselves up.

i am home for a total of 15 days and then head to peru for 15 days. when i return, i have a day to rest, and then i'm back on a plane headed to cairo via a 5-day tour in europe to see more friends, and new babies. so these 2 weeks at home have afforded me the very important opportunity to see my parents, my cats, and close friends before i return to indulge in my new, temporary?, 6-month life in cairo. (or maybe longer, tbd).

i can say that without a doubt, it has been wonderful to see all my friends, and to be back in nyc/nj during my absolute favorite time of year. the fall has a crispness to it that i look forward to ever year, along with apple picking, scarves, jackets, and all fun things associated with it. today the weather in cairo is a crisp 90 degrees. not so autumnal. i will need to adjust to the non-seasons seasons there.

since i've come home, i've spent a lot of time dividing my clothes into 3 piles: laundry, peru, and egypt. i get to restock my suitcases with "winter" clothes. although i don't believe cairo even has a winter. i think that my nyc fall will be cairo's winter, maybe. but at least i get to bring fresh new clothing options like boots and cardigans, since the reality is that soon it will start cooling down, and i will need them over the next 6 months. (i mean, i'll be there for 6 months. i'm very excited and anxious about bringing back 6 months worth of clothes and accessories, but i'm really not sure how much i'll need. like, do i need all 3 pairs of tall boots, or should i leave out the platforms? but what if i really want to wear them out one night with my black striped dress? and what if it does get cold enough to need tall boots? but do i want to be lugging around 2 huge, heavy bags through london and paris?) see...

i haven't been gone long enough to say that i missed home and needed to come back, but there hasn't been a day that's passed during these last 2 weeks, where i haven't missed cairo oh.so.much. i miss everything about it. i miss my family, my friends, the (lack of) air quality, and especially that feeling of excitement; of newness; of opportunity. being back in nyc so soon after escaping only reaffirms my decision to leave. nyc was a let down, and being back is bringing me down from the cairo-high that i've been on for the last 6 weeks. most of my friends have commented that i haven't looked happier, or that i am glowing in my pictures there. that's the sabeel i'm looking for. that's the point of this year. she got lost about 5 years ago, and i'm determined to find her here to stay.

since i've been back, i've felt like i need to leave again, and as soon as possible. it's too soon to be back. and i have nothing to gain from being here, besides the quality time with friends and family. it's not like i had a breakdown, meltdown or freak-out when i left, but i was just at the point where i couldn't stand to be where i was, doing what i was doing anymore. and having the time away in a completely different, but comfortable, setting has allowed me to relax back into myself. believe it or not, but being home right now has put me out of my comfort zone. that needs to eventually be fixed; or the location of home needs to be re-assessed.

in the meantime, i need to get the fuck out of new york. thanks for all the fun times though!

"funemployment"

My friend used this term while jokingly envying my current, self-inflicted job status. I'm on "funemployment".

The truth is that many ppl I know at my age are going through the same career-questioning phase that I'm going through. We all went to great schools, studied hard, got great degrees, found great, resume-building jobs, and now nearly 8-10 years later are tapping our fingers on our desks wondering, ok now what? What do we do now?

See, I personally think it is an outright tragedy that at the age of 16, students have to make one of the most important decisions of their lives without even having experienced real life at all. In our junior and senior years of high school, we have to choose our colleges and choose our majors. How exactly do we make the right decision for ourselves at that age?? I don't believe that we do. We choose based on our best subjects, or based on what's good on paper to get a job after graduation, or what may impress people. I still know that I made the wrong decision in choosing my major. Engineering highlighted all of my weaknesses and never allowed me to enjoy any of my strengths, skills, or hobbies. All 4 years of undergrad were torture for me. Had I gone to a bigger school with actual options for majors, I would have switched out. But I had a full scholarship to a very prestigious school, so I was trapped, I had to endure. And that's why, as much as I dislike engineering and although I know there are better fits out there for me, I've stuck with it for so long because of how hard I had to work to get through it. I put in so much effort, how could I give that all up? I had to endure. So I worked in construction, a little less dry than Engineering.

I never felt like I fit into that world. I was always perceived as the wild liberal with too much interest in the rest of the world, which really didn't matter to my coworkers. I was really good at what I did, and very hard working, but I struggled so much to fit in. I was in a conservative (white) man's world, and between being an arab/muslim and a female, i just felt so different all the time. They love baseball and beer, and golf, and they criticize Obama, the French, the Arabs, have no idea what's happening in Syria, or Egypt, or Greece, or Asia, or Africa, and want to spend their ideal vacation on a beach in Mexico. I've been asked if I have to wear a burqa when I visit Egypt, or if the Christians in Egypt are allowed to speak Arabic. And no, we don't ride camels to school either. I was asked what continent Morocco was on, and if it was right next to Egypt. ...And these are educated people! Sometimes I felt like I was living on the Fox 5 news set. I couldn't believe the things that I would hear and I'd always wonder what the hell I was doing there. I wanted to talk about cultures, documentaries, languages, my next destination... and I would get blank stares, or, coffee break's over. I had to just stop talking so as not to ostracize myself from the group. They less they knew, the better.

So after many years of trying, I finally admitted to myself that while what I've done is admirable, it's just not for me. It doesn't bring out the best in me. I'm not giving it all up, I'm not throwing it all away, but I'm trying to see what, if, there is something better out there for me.

And I'm pretty confident I will find something.

climbing down the corporate ladder.

for years, i resented the fact that i never got to study abroad, and i never took time off after college to travel. the truth is that i was so obsessed with starting my career, achieving success, and reaching my goals, that i wouldn't allow myself to spend time on such frivolous activity.

so instead, i worked and accumulated my 10 vacation days per year to go on vacation. i'd only go to egypt or france to visit family. it was important that i was earning an income, saving, and staying on my career path. but somewhere between my 3rd and 4th years of working, i started to feel the itch. i saw friends of mine volunteering or traveling abroad, and their facebook pictures made me sick with envy. i had friends move abroad for love, to amazing places like Paris, Morocco, Egypt... and i was so jealous that my company wouldn't transfer me somewhere like theirs did! i hated that no matter how many applications i sent to work abroad, no one gave me the chance. then, when i visited dubai in 2008, i fell in love, and my company's office there wanted to make me an offer. but a few short months later, all the economic markets crashed, and dubai has never been the same since.

it was between 2008 and 2010 that i really became obsessed with the idea of travel. i started traveling with every vacation day i earned, and every trip was inspiring. every trip made me feel like there was more to my life than working a corporate 9-5 job. the more conflicted I felt, the more research I did. i read all the travel blogs by people like me, and i tried to muster up courage from other people's stories of quitting their jobs, packing it up, and flying around the world for x amount of time. i was just like them! i was questioning my life too! i was sick of my job and lifestyle, too! i wasn't seeing where anything was going in my life. but instead of finding courage, i found a new job. i thought, maybe a better position, a change of scenery, and a higher salary might help that unsatisfied feeling deep inside.

out of that, i managed to get a nice month-long trip to india. i felt inspired, i felt rejuvenated, and i started a blog. but not much could be done with 10 vacation days a year. still, i wasn't happy and a year and a half later, when the opportunity to work for another company, with another salary increase came along, i thought it would be the best of both worlds for me. take another month-long break, rejuvenate myself, and get another salary increase! i thought, maybe this job is what i'm looking for. i even made sure to promise myself that i'd think of a 5 year plan to eventually create a life for myself that revolved around my passions: travel and food.

this time, i went to morocco, and morocco completely changed my way of thinking. it inspired me in ways that made me realize that money, job title, and possessions are so not all that. it reminded me that life matters. life. it reminded me that family matters, and almost immediately after returning, i restored my relationship with my father, after not speaking for 4 years. and it reminded me that religion matters. after claiming to be agnostic and giving up religion completely for years, morocco reminded me that it's great to be muslim again.

and ever since that trip, i haven't been the same. i've been more serious about pursuing this new future, whatever it may be. the more i realize that 30 is coming around next year, the more i realize that there's no reason to wait. my personal life has been waiting for 29 years already!

while my new company is great and it's actually everything i could ask for in a company, my mind isn't with it right now. i'm not only doing myself a disservice by staying, but i'm doing them a huge one as well. they deserve an employee who is happy and motivated. but i just can't be that employee right now. i should be happy. i reached my career goals 4 years sooner than I hoped, I make more than I could ask for, i have a closet full of goodies, a great apartment, and I live in the greatest city in the world. but none of that matters. i need something more meaningful. i need a future that matters.

after struggling with this realization, and struggling with being able to convince myself that it's ok for me to take time off for me, and with the support of my father, i finally decided to speak to my boss. he and i mutually agreed that it's time for me to take a break. he even gave me a great, personal example of how his daughter quit her job and traveled the world with her boyfriend, and how it was the best thing she ever did. he suggested i do something similar. funny, you read my mind! but it's hard for me to leave after a few short months here.

of course i would never leave on poor terms, and i have no reason to- given that it is completely personal and has nothing to do with them... i just don't know what i want to do, but right now, i can't imagine continuing to do what i'm doing anymore. i need a change.

and so here i go... my new life starts now.